So, I’m sitting here, drinking tea (decaffinated mind you) and I think its making me a lot more tired than I need to be.  You see, I’m tired of getting to much sleep.  So here’s my plan!!!  I’m getting up at 5:30 AM to go running and start my day.  Yes… I Lissie Ann, is going to go running tomorrow.  Shocker, I know.  But  you see, I really have to start doing this!!  I really need to get my life back on track!! I’m so sick and tired of being a lazy bum and not doing anything.  I resolve that by the end of this week, I will have my room picked up and cleaned and I will have ran every morning.  Yes… this will happen, and YOU (the two people who read this blog) need to get on me about it.  I DON’T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE!!!  Blake’s talk tonight really hit me.  I’m totally sinning.  I mean, I feel as if I’m eating ok.  I’m not binge eating, but my life before now has been all about the gluttony.  Its sickening… I’m always tired, I haven’t caught the eye of a man in five years and I’m just not happy with the way I am or look.  I know that isn’t what its supposed to be about, but honestly… I need to step up!!!

So, I really feel the need to put this out there.  I feel that  a lot of people struggle with this.  My mom and my dad both struggle with it.  Its pretty sad that it took me this long to figure out whats going on in my life.  I know God has a plan and right now he has me not doing anything… which means he probably wants me to do something about myself.  That I need to focus on me and my walk with God.  That wasn’t supposed to sound as selfish as it does, but I think that’s what God wants right now.  For me to start taking care of myself and to take my focus off myself (ok… I’m confused too, but I’ll clarify!).  You see, its like this.  If I start taking better care of myself physically, the odds are, I’ll start taking care of my self spiritually.  If I stop focusing on just MY needs and start focusing on why God gave me those needs, and the needs of others, my spiritual life and my walk with God will flourish.  (Does that make better since?)

I guess God’s really working my heart right now.  I can’t pin point a specific thing, but I’m sure he will make that known to me in all due time.

Well, my tea is getting cold and almost to the end.  Sad day   But I guess I should head off to bead so that I’m not completely dead when that alarm goes off tomorrow!!!

God bless and Good night!!!

)

So, I’ve copied a blog entry from the 268blog that Louie Giglio updates… Its from the Saturday night opening of Passion: Atlanta on April 11-12.  Louie posted in this weekend as a reminder to sit in the silence.  To not let noise defeat us… lie to us.  I couldn’t think of a title for this blog, so I titled it [empty].

p.s. I hope this isn’t a problem for anyone, I didn’t write whats to come… This was written by the Louie Giglio… I hope this helps you or touches you the way it touched me.

Welcome To The Silence.

Hi. Welcome To The Silence. Life Is So Loud Sometimes And Just Being Still Even For A Few Minutes Can Powerfully Rearrange Everything That’s Assaulting Our Minds And Our Hearts. Especially When God Is In View. After All He’s The One Who Said Be Still And Know That I Am God.

So We’ve Turned The Volume Down As We Start What We Hope Will Be A Beautiful And Raucous Night In The Hopes That The Things We Need To Hear Most Will Become Really Really Loud.

God Knows Who You Are. Where You Are. And He Knows What You Need In This Moment. He Is Not Looking At A Massive Crowd But The Eyes Of The One Who So Easily Spoke Galaxies Into Their Places Are Looking Right At You. Amazingly He Knows Your Name And The Color He Painted Your Eyes. And He Knows What Makes You Laugh And What Makes You Cry. He Is Not Distracted By What You Think About Him. Or What You Want Him To Think About You. He Knows What He Thinks About You And How He Feels. And He Wants To Say Something To You In The Silence.

I Love You.

Let That Sink Into The Silence And The Stillness And The Soil Of Your Heart.

God Loves You. Oh Don’t Believe The Words On The Screen Or The Words Of Somebody. You Don’t Have To Take It From A Third Party. No. The Father Has Spoken Directly To You. The God Of All Creation Is Engaging You In A Pretty Stunning Conversation. And As Is Always The Case God Is Speaking First. Not Waiting For Your Proposal Or Assessment Of Where You Feel You Are. Or If You’ll Ever Be As Amazing As Something Deep Inside Tells You That You Were Meant To Be. He Isn’t Waiting To Hear About All Your Screw Ups Or Your Great Deeds To Make It Up. No God Is Eager To Share His Take On You.

Here It Is.

Mess Up.
Definitely.
Deeply Loved.
Anyway.

Both Are True And Both Things Set Him In Motion Shaping History With A Story Fueled By Unstoppable Grace. You See God Was Not Shut Down By Our Failure. Nor Did The Consequences Of Our Rebellion Dim His Beautiful Heart Of Love. No We Were The Ones Shut Down When Sin Caused Our Souls To Die. And Die We Did. It’s Bad News Death.
Because Dead People Can’t See. Can’t Breathe. Can’t Help Themselves. Dead People Can’t Do Anything. That Is Why They Call Him Savior. When We Were Dead And Could Not Touch God Jesus Came Down And Touched Us. It Is The Most Phenomenal Thing That Has Or Will Ever Happen To You And Me. Divinity Rushing Into Humanity. God In Skin Marching Steadily To The Beat Of His Own Love. And Nothing And No One Could Alter His Course.

It’s True.

We Were A Mess.
Yet We Were Deeply Loved.

Because Of Our Mess His Embrace Would Demand A Cost Beyond Compare. Because Love Was Accompanied By Justice And Justice Demanded Someone Cover Our Debt Of Sin And Shame Someone Would Have To Stand In Our Place And Pay Our Fee. Someone Would Have To Come To Our Aid.

Even If We Wanted To Pay Off The Price Required By Our Mistakes It Could Not Be So. Dead Men Cannot Stand Up For Themselves. So Another Would Have To Take Our Blows And Swallow The Death Our Sins Deserved. But Who Could Do That For Us. It Couldn’t Be Just Anyone. Because If The Price To Be Offered Was Death The Price Would Have To Be Exacted From Someone Who Was Alive. Yet The Whole World Was Dead In Darkness Until A Miracle Happened And A Light Shone Above And In A Manger.

In The Night The Hope Of Us All Was Born Alive. The Only One Ever Born Alive. And The Only One To Live A Spotless Life Of Pure Faith In God. So On The Friday We Call Good Jesus Was The Only One At The Cross Who Could Possibly Die. Because He Was The Only Living Soul On Plane Earth. Hallelujah. Jesus Was Alive When God’s Love Drove The Nails Our Sin Screamed Out For Into His Hands And Feet. Nails Of Love Punctured Flesh As Blood So Precious Streamed Down To The Ground. A Puddle Of Incomprehensible Love Soaking Into The Soil.

His Innocence Now Gone He Gasped And Cried. Purity Now Covered In Muck And Shame. And When The Sun Fully Scorched The Beautiful Bloom Of Grace Jesus Could No Longer Suck In Enough Air To Breathe. And Finally His Heart Stopped Beating.

In An Instant All Hell Broke Lose And Darkness Covered The Moment As His Lifeless Mangled Body Hung For All The World To See. God’s Undeniable Expression.

I Love You.

His Death Shocked Everyone In Heaven And Hell. Everyone Except His Father Who Was On A Mission Of Love And Saw This Day Coming From Before There Was Time. But All Else Missed It. That’s Why Some Wept In Disbelief As Others Exuberantly Shouted Death Has Won.

The Darkness Threw A Party. But As It Turned Out Hell Partied Too Soon. God’s Story Was Just Getting Interesting As He Spoke To His Son. Rise Up Son I Love. Rise Up Oh My Son.

From The Clasp Of Death Christ Rose His Father Exhaling Glorious Breathe And Neverending Life Into His Lungs. So Tonight We Will Throw The Party And Invite The World To Come. Because Our God Is Mighty To Save. And The Christ We Celebrate Has Overwhelmed The Grave.

He Is Here Now. This Same Jesus Is Here Now. Offering His Life To All Men. To You. Not You Trying To Live A Better Life. But Christ Living His Life Inside Of You. If You Want A Big Theological Word It’s Called Incarnation. It You Need A Simpler Word It’s Called The Gospel Of Grace. Christ In You The Hope Of Glory.

I Don’t Know What The Loudness Has Been Pumping Into Your Heart And Brian. I Don’t Know If You’ve Been Dragged Into The Depths Of Despair Or If Your Standing On The Deceptive Heights Of Your Own Doing. But In The Stillness Hear This. A Miraculous Offer Is On The Table. God’s Love For You Moved Christ To Take Your Blows So That Now In Him You Can Stand Forgiven And Alive.

And There’s More. Christ Lives To Be In You What You Alone Could Never Be.

Say Yes

So, I hung out with one of my bestest friends last night.  We ended up playing guitar hero until 5AM!!  Haha… thats never happened before… I was surprised to see how good I actually was.  I had a lot of fun… hehe…

I don’t know about you, but I’m totally loving this weather right now.  Its so beautiful outside, and even though some weirdo is weedwacking right outside my window, I love being in the sun!!  I love being able to see the flowers that bloomed and to hear the birds in the trees.  I love feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and being able to play outside (which I should do more often).  I feel as if I get more inspiration for writing when the weather is nice outside.  I feel as if the songs I want to write come out of my head and on to paper more easily when its beautiful outside and I don’t have to worry about the cold killing my tuning.  I guess God really knows how to bless us!!!

I wish I could tell you that I’m happy.  The weather’s nice outside and the music is, well, trying to flow… but I can’t tell you that.  I’m not happy, I’m not sad, but I’m not happy either.  I guess its the fact that I’m still here in this place… this place that is leaving me so stagnant and empty on the inside.  I feel as if I’m hitting this brickwall and I can’t see the other side.  I’ve probably written about the brick wall before, but I’m telling ya… my mom asked me yesterday what I wanted to do for God.  What I felt like God wanted me to do for him and the expansion of his kingdom.  I couldn’t answer her… a couple months ago, I’d have an answer right off the bat, I wouldn’t even have to think about it!!!  It would have been, “I want to be missionary to Uganda or a youth pastor in the innercities of America.”  Guess what, now its, “I just want to get out of Delaware… I want to go somewhere that I can hear God and See God and know what God wants of me.”  Delaware isn’t the place that I feel like I should stay.  I would love to go to Texas, Virginia, Atlanta, Orlando, Daytona, Miami… you name it… I want to leave… I feel restless…

I guess I’m at the point where I need to start looking for alternative options in different places.  I need to start preparing myself to just get up and leave.  I need a job first here so I have the money to get to wherever I want to go, but I have to start lining up jobs and apartments and working on my expences for another place.  I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do.

Well, I have to go get ready for the day, but I will hopefully write more tonight!!!!

So, I’m sitting here listening to Louie Giglio at Passion in Atlanta. I want to be there so badly!!! Haha… seeing as it took place April 11-12, I want to go back in time and go… haha!!

I’m going to have to put this pic up of the greatest drawing I have ever drawn… I guess when you see if you’ll be like “Holy Moley, thats her greatest drawing?!?!” HAHA… yea, its not too great, but it really puts some perspective in my life… I love looking at it and really thinking about it.

Here’s the poem that goes along with it:

When your hopes are shattered, the cross grows bigger. When your hopes are shattered, the cross becomes brighter.  When you hopes are shattered, your dreams die. But when your hopes are shattered, God shines!!!

(p.s. I just wrote that)

I hope this pic helps the three people who read this blog, if not the pic, the idea behind the pic!!!!

Oh God my God,

I can’t even offer an explanation for the things going through my head tonight.  I can’t begin to find a reason to offer as an excuse.  I’m so angry, bitter, hurt… God, is there something I’m missing?  I’m tired… physically and mentally.  I’m sick of being the punching bag… of being the friend that gets used for other things.  I’m tired of being the sister that sees her sister doing unbelievably stupid things.  I’m tired of not knowing… and yet I know.  I know that you are the one and only, that you are the only thing in my life that can remotely make since.  You are a God that takes my heart and makes it clean, just so I can dirty it up again.  You sacrificed your son so that I may live, and yet, I’m not living.  I’m not doing much… I’m stagnant.  I’m dying on the outside and yet my inside, isn’t doing much better.  You’ve been so patient with my pride and my arrogance.  You’ve been so patient with my sin and I can’t thank you enough.  I can’t possibly imagine my life without you.  I want to yearn for you.  I want to burn with a passion that can not be quenched.  I want all that and more… and I know I need it.

I guess I’m praying tonight for guidence, support, and a since of peace.  I’m praying that my life will acuratly show you in everything.  I’m praying that I will not stress over anything; anything I’m going through now or that I’m going to go through.  I’m praying that my sister’s eyes will be open to her sin and that she will effectivly change and turn back to you.  I’m praying that I will be a correct witness when I am with her and that this anger I feel will dissapate and that I will be able to love her.  I’m praying that I will learn to not procrastinate on the plans you have for me and that I will not only have a set schedule, but I will do things right for once.  I’m praying that my friends will be my friends, and that I will be a friend back; that I won’t take them for granted and that I won’t take the smallest thing and make it a huge thing.  I don’t want to lose the friends I have now.

God, I’m trying to figure out my life… and I can’t do it on my own.  I am giving this all to you… you know the ins and outs of it all.  Thanks for being the creator, the Holy One, my Father… my friend.  I love you!!!

Amen

I’m so discouraged… I don’t really understand whats going on right now. I’m still without a job and no where close to the $300. Bye bye Master’s Commission. I wish life was easier than it is. I’m so tired of staying at home and being a bum… I want to be able to work and hang out with my friends without feeling as if I’m spending way too much money. I was out of gas this week and had to count on my friends and bargain with my father to get money… its quite sad. I wish things were written out for me… I wish I had a manual to go along with this thing called life… I wish I wasn’t so sad. I wish I wasn’t so angry, depressed, messed up… you name it… I want to move… to run away from it all… I want to be somewhere else… to do something different… I want so much and yet get so little… Is trusting God really its all cut out to be? Am I doing something wrong? Have I missed something? I feel like I’ve felt this way before… that this is what I go through when something I want and prayed for for so long has fallen through and hasn’t happened. I prayed about Masters Commission… and now I’ve been accepted and I can’t find the money to go… And not to mention, some of my best friends are mad at me… and I can’t tell you what I did… cause I don’t know…

I’m kinda upset at my one friend right now… Its a long story and I don’t feel like going into it… but she hasn’t even tried to talk to me since Friday… Like I did something wrong… Like I was the one who did something to hurt her… I wish she could see that I’m hurting… I wish anyone would see that I’m hurting and instead of lecturing me about trusting God, help me figure things out… just be there to talk… I know that I need to just trust God… but thats such a cop out answer… Its like… “Liss, I know your hurting, but I don’t really know what to tell you and I’m tired of hearing about your ‘issues’ so I’m going to give you a sunday school answer… ‘just trust God’…” Thanks… thanks so much for caring…

Its the same thing that happened with Deb… and that whole issue sucks butt… I’m so tired of getting hurt by my friends… am I doing something to cause this? Is it all my fault? Am I reading too much into what is said or what is done? Should I not care? Should I have held back when getting to know my friends? Should I not give so much to those I get to know? AGGGHHH!!!

My friend Luke got married yesterday and I wasn’t invited to the wedding… should I be upset about that? I mean, we used to be pretty good friends… I haven’t seen him much, basically because of his wife (she doesn’t like me), but I thought I would have been invited… he invited the Heitzman’s but not me… which didn’t really make much since to me… It hurt a lot that I wasn’t invited to the wedding… But I guess I see why… I guess… I don’t…

Ugg… so now that I’m done complaining about the things that can’t be changed or things that is my fault I will say this:

God is working in so many situations in my life right now… he’s definitly teaching me to trust soley on him and to not worry or stress about certain things in my life… he’s showing me that my only consistant friend in life… the only friend who won’t get mad at me or won’t leave me when a better friend comes along… is him. And I’m trying so hard to lean on him… I’m getting used to crying in his lap… I’m getting used to curling up and getting held by his loving arms… I’m getting used to being humanly alone and I’m getting used to saying “Whatever happens happens”… I’m getting used to watching everyone else get a boyfriend or getting married… I’m getting used to not being good enough (yet) for a man… and I’m getting used to getting used to it. God know’s the plans he has for me… and I’m excited to see what they would be… I’m sorry to those I’ve hurt in the process of me getting used to God’s control… I hope that we can still be friends and that I haven’t ruined my chances at getting to know people better…

I’m sorry if I’ve said something in this post that has offended anyone in anyway… I wasn’t trying to hurt you more… I was venting and talking and what not… I love you…

Wow, I’ve got to tell you… I’ve had the weirdest day.  So, I’ve really been struggling with not knowing what God has planned for my life and I’ve been kinda childish about it.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve sort of stopped praying and reading the Bible.  Today, I went to lunch with my parents and of course we talked about the “future” and a job.  It was very emotional and I cried.  I don’t cry.  We had just talked about my application to Masters Commission and how I didn’t think that I was going to be accepted because I didn’t have the money and God hadn’t provided a way for me to get the money and that I didn’t really know if it was Gods will and yadda yadda yadda… We got the mail.  My dad handed me three envulopes : the first two were small and junk and the last one was a huge one from GZMC (Ground Zero Masters Commission).  I was accepted to GZMC.  I cried then as well.  I was happy and discouraged at the same time.  I was happy because I had prayed and prayed about it and I was discouraged because I still didn’t have a job.  I still don’t have a job… I need a job.  If this is Gods will, I will have a job and $300 in three weeks.  I’m in the process of looking for a job… and trying to figure out how I’m going to get $300 in three weeks.

If you could be praying for me about this, that would be great.  God really floored me today and I still haven’t recovered.  I don’t think I will recover.

Wow… so lets just say I’ve had some interesting dreams in the past couple of days.  Last night left me floored when I woke up.  I don’t remember much of the dream just this last part: I was hanging with two girls (random… I don’t know who) at a college basketball game (or so it seemed).  I knew that BSM people were there because I saw and recongnized my two friends Tiffany and Vicky.  I went and sat next to pickle and throw my legs over his leg and he laid his head on my shoulder.  Lord… it was cute… and then I woke up.  I laid in my bed and was pondering the meaning of that dream… so far, I haven’t found one.  The weirdest thing is this… I felt his head on my shoulder.  It was there… heavy, laying on my shoulder… his lack of hair on my cheek… when I woke up… I STILL FELT IT!!! Like come one!!!!  It was like a void was missing… like there was a space between my shoulder and my cheek that was empty (ok, don’t get technical on my here… I know that its supposed to be) and I wanted it to be filled again.  I was almost brought to tears because I wanted that feeling of touch or of love… or what not… to still be there.  And don’t ask me how I knew what if felt like… he’s never laid his head on my shoulder… but I really wanted it there… It was weird…

I can’t shake it… this feeling of loss… how knows… but I have to go get ready for youth group… we are doing a fun game today… involves a baby bottle!!!!  haha… good times!!!!

“And how, do you expect me to live alone with just me, when my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breath.”

~Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown “No Air”

So, I’ve been house sitting for the past couple of days and I love it!!!  Its so much fun being by yourself with a dog.  Haha… I had some friends over, so that made it a bit better.  I love the song God of Justice by Tim Hughes… it really sums up the commandment that God has given us.  He tells us to go!!!  Everyone… he tells us to go!!!  So, I’m trying to go.  I’m in the process of putting in my application and having an interview for a summer staff position at YouthWorks.  Basically I’ll be putting a missions trip on for several different youth groups around the country (along with other college aged kids, we will all be staying in a town in some state across the country).  I want to go to Hyde County, NC or somewhere in Colorado, Minnesota, or Michigan.  Anyway, if you could pray for me… that would be great.  I really want to do this.  I really want to do ministry!!!  Thanks guys!!!!

Ok, so I had a client today that had to go to the VA hospital in Elsmere, DE. I went fully expecting to see a lot of older adults and what not, and don’t get me wrong, I did, but I also saw young men. Like what the mess?!?! Guys that are in no way old. I was sitting next to a young man who could not have been much older than me, he was walking with a cane and had what looked like an army issued bookbag. Now, it might not have been, and I could have just been tripping over the news about my friend, but talk about putting something into perspective!!! I mean really… he wasn’t the only young man I saw, there were others, but I was tripping man!!! It was crazy!! I don’t even want to think about whats happening over there. I need to, but I don’t want to. Good Lord!!!

Now, this is retarded, I know, but I truly list my friend as one of my hero’s. To do a second tour in Iraq, to even do one tour in Iraq, is a great sacrifice. I doubt he will read this blog, but if he ends up reading it… please know that I truly admire you for what you are doing. I don’t want to say goodbye, but know that you are and will always be in my prayers!!! There isn’t much more I can say… I’m just really trying to figure it all out I guess!!!

Thanks to everyone who has listened to me talk and have prayed for my friend and what not. I really truly appreciate everything that you all do. My friends are one of a kind and I don’t ever want to lose them.

Tiffany- Gosh… so many words, not enough head space to write it all!!! You are amazing in everyway!!!

Vicky- You make me smile!! I love that we randomly go driving… and end up getting lost!!! Lets do it again sometime!!! Thanks for talking to me!!!

Jenny- I thank God that he has brought us to be friends. Even though you are moving to Nashville, I hope that we will always be friends!!! You make me want to strive to better myself, not just in music, but in my relationship with God!!!

And to all those who I didn’t mention by name. I love you all the same!!! Thanks so much!!!!