Well, here I am again… its ten thirty pm on Monday May, 20th and I can’t seem to sleep.  I’m sitting in the quite of my room, pondering my existence.  Yes, I ponder… I like pondering.  I had to work today… it wasn’t half bad, but I don’t know.  I’m definitly not happy there, I like the people and what they stand for, but I’m not feeling it.  I don’t know, I guess I have an issue with jobs, I can’t seem to find the right one.  I know God has a better plan for me, but I can’t seem to find it.  I know that I’m supposed to do something ministry wise, and yet, I can’t find where.  It’s quite a dilema.  I’m totally trusting that God will make something known to me, or at least give me a few options. 

I guess I’m here, waiting for an answer.  I’m here waiting for a task to do… I should probably clean my room!!!   Have you ever been so restless that you can’t seem to find joy in the small things?  That you can’t seem to feel happiness in the happiest places?  That you see that everyone else is happy and envy their very existence?  Have you ever wanted something so bad, that you can’t seem to get it off your mind?  I guess I’m in that place tonight.  I’m praying for a new existence, for a new thing to live for.  I’m looking up, I’m trying to find the light in this darkness called home.  I’m trying to look at new things from new perspectives.  I’m wasting my life here, trying to change who I am.  I’m wasting my time, trying to become something I just can’t be.  I can change the color of my hair, put some make up on, but deep down inside… deep down where there isn’t any light, I’m so ugly.  The ugliness shows on my face.  The pain cuts deep into my mind and holds me captive in the deepest places.  Its like the devil is sitting on my chest telling me to say something.  To say anything… then maybe I’ll be saved.  But the air is being squeezed out of me and I can’t catch my breath. 

 

“Say Anything… just SAY IT!!!”

He screams at  me, I smile and whisper…

“I already have”